There, I said it. I don't know how to interact with people in public. Hell, I don't know how to interact with people in private! There are times when I'm talking with someone where, after I blurt something out without thinking, I think in my head: "Why did I just say that? That was stupid." I stop focusing on the rest of the conversation and only focus on how stupid it was to say something like that stupid thing I just said. Thus, the rest of the conversation is me nodding my head, saying yeah, of course, right? A hard edged, question-like "Right?" is my go to when I just made an ass out of myself.
It's even worse when this person I just made an ass out of myself with is someone I'm acquaintanced with. Someone I see on a regular basis, but they don't know I'm an awkward fool. For example, someone I work with. Every time I see the person after my awkward flub, I'm focused on it. Long past the time I'm sure they've forgotten about it, I still remember it. And I subsequently make every encounter more awkward. While I try and tell myself, don't be awkward, Annie...
The other day, after work, I took the elevator down. Or, I thought I took the elevator down. The light flashed on the down arrow, I hit a button to make the elevator go down, and all of a sudden, the doors open and I'm wondering when they re-did the ground floor. I start to walk out as someone else walks in and we collide. A la Loony Toons. Or similar cartoons. I'm positive I looked at him like he had just given me a concussion - I looked so surprised and I'm pretty sure my eyes registered fairly blankly. I mean, there was no mirror informing me about the look on my face, but trust me, I know how stupid awkward look feels. He laughs (at me) and tries to quell the awkward I had created. He says something along the lines of "Wrong floor?" which I basically ignored as I tried to keep the awkward from my face. "I pushed the down button. It should have gone down. The down button lit up. I'm so confused..."
He laughed again. Unfortunately for me, or possibly because how I felt, his laugh was a patronizing laugh. The laugh your grade school principal had when you were summoned to her office to discuss some transgression. (That only happened once to me. And guess what, it was an awkward fueled event that led to an awkward fueled meeting. Which ended in her asking me why I was anti social. I wasn't anti social, I was awkward.)
Luckily for me, we actually had a semi normal conversation. Fueled by me laughing at myself and self deprecating about how stupid I must be for mistaking the down arrow for an up arrow (but then, Mr. 6th floor - why did it stop at my floor? It knew I wanted to go down. Why didn't it go up to you first, then down to me, then you could have collided with me getting off the elevator because you were so foolish as to think that my 4th floor was your ground floor and bam. You would have been the awkward one. Never mind, that's ridiculous. I still would have been the awkward one.) We made idle chit-chat on the elevator about work and weather and what was taking this elevator so long to get to the G? The last one wasn't part of our conversation. That was just me. Thinking in my head about how badly I wanted to get out of this situation.
Finally it ended. And I bolted out the elevator. And when I say bolted, I mean, literally, I would have ran away from the awkward if I wasn't in tall shoes. I said, "Have a good weekend!" walked out the door and turned. Mr. 6th floor turned the same way, a half step behind me. We walked in stride for a half block, during which I freaked out. Do I say something? Do I comment on the weather again? Do I asked him about weekend plans? Oh crap, I hate social situations. I crossed a street I didn't need to and ran away. Again. My plan was not foiled this time around.
Part of my problem, I feel, is that when I'm done with a conversation, I leave it. If the other person is boring me, without warning, I'll just walk away. "I'll be right back" but I never return. "Sorry to interrupt, do you know where the bathroom is?" is another favorite go to. But, I have also been known to just simply walk away in the middle of someone else's sentence. Totally awkward, man.
Later in the evening, I joined some friends for an outing. At an alumni event for a school I am not an alumna of. Which was awkward. I did not wear the name tag I was given. Twice during the evening, I was approached by people asking what year I was. One girl even walked up to me and told me her name, with a proffered hand asking the question for her. I shook her hand and told her mine. It was my turn to ask a question and I came up dry. So I looked at her awkwardly, stared back and forth between people in my cocoon and her. She walked away.
I've always envied people who can do that, just walk up to someone and greet them. Who have enough self confidence to introduce themselves to someone they do not know, that they see and sparks their interest. (Ok, I just realized how conceited that makes me sound. Sorry.. I know I'm not that cool.) But I can't do that. I have to be introduced. I need a bridge. I over-analyze and I think too much about what this means. What they think of me. But when someone introduces me to another person, I feel almost as though that person is vouching for me. Saying, with the introduction, "It's ok, she's a little weird, a little awkward (ok, a lot awkward and pretty weird.), but she's cool." It's as though I don't need to pretend to be normal for a bit before exposing my awkward self. They already know.
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