Most of the people in my life encourage me to be a better person, though not all do because of positive reinforcement. Sometimes, by observing the way another person acts when faced with a non-crisis, you are forced to reflect on issues you have. Another's over reaction brings up a personal over reaction. When I am faced with loss and fear, jealousy and envy, tragedy and pain, how many times do I find myself pushing the feeling down because it's weakness versus dealing with it systematically, logically and intelligently? Then, suddenly I find myself boiling over at the simple loss of an item that truly isn't important, or putting too much weight on an insignificant over hyped event. Am I taking out my frustration on a person who holds no fault in the true problem, and avoiding dealing with the true issue?
To be rude and childish toward the people who love and support me the most. Observing this happen with others, finding my anger rise at the treatment of my friends or myself by someone as globally insignificant as a drop of rain in the forest, reminds me that I am not perfect, no matter how I wish to be.
This new year is the catalyst for the biggest adventure of my life so far. I am more and more on edge. Things that do not typically bother me and people who should not irk me are doing just that. I am existentially happy, but bothered. As though the oxygen breathed isn't making it all the way to my brain and I am gasping. The short tempered feeling with humanity is my constant reminder of the way I do not wish to be. I must take care of myself and acknowledge feelings of fear, trepidation and anxiety that are natural when waiting for a life changing jump and change.
Ancient Egyptians believed that their hearts, not their heads, held the organ that powered thoughts, feelings and decisions. In fact, they believed the primary function of the grey brain was to create mucus. To remember this is to remember the feelings required in a right decision. Choices that make you happy, that make you content, make you relaxed are the right decisions. Even if you are scared or nervous by the choice you make, it feels right. Making a decision with your heart does not mean the decision is entirely emotionally based - the decision weighs the over arching feelings and logic that by itself would veer you one way or the other.
As one year ends and another begins, even the staunchest anti-cliche can't help but recognize the changes that come from a year ending and another beginning. In reality, this is nothing - the new year is just another day, another sunset and sunrise, dawn and dusk. Yet the symbolism of the ending and a beginning, one that can come at any ending and any beginning, is a powerful time of reflection. The changes and growths of the past year are things I have been thinking about regularly in the past year - this has been a whole year of changes. I am excited by the direction in which I am going, and I am overwhelmed by path I have taken to get here. More so, I wonder who I will be when all of this is over - if it ever truly ends. But now, I wonder: who do I wish to be in the next year? What will I do?
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