Find the River, R.E.M.

This Christmas, I planned on going home to see my family to warn them. I had applied for an extension project, found sponsors and the news was looking good. I had created a partnership with the local environmental authority, guides for endangered species and everything seemed to be going on track. After turning in my paperwork, my bosses and I were feeling optimistic, so we planned on my staying in Panama for an extra 6 months as the Endangered Species Management Coordinator.

And then the government shut down.

So I went home for Christmas anyway, with different news in hand. I did job interviews, I saw friends and I planned a trip. I realized quickly that I am not ready to move back to the United States. My close friends are all in the same jobs they were when I left, and though they did not use these words, it felt stagnant. Two years have passed and almost nothing has changed.

And here I am, a completely different person. Literally, my skin has changed, my body has changed. I’m darker, thinner, with muscles where I didn’t know I could build muscles. My legs are stronger, probably from having to carry water from one place to another, from walking along a 14 kilometer beach almost every day for two years. My skin is darker, lined and streaked by tans. My hair is lighter, dryer and streaked as well. I look different, but I look the same.

And I’ve changed, my head, my mind, my soul. I want different things out of life – things I never imagined I would ever want. And as I see my friends, stagnant, as I said before, I see that I am as well. I’m lost now.

For two years I had my life, my schedule, everything all planned out. I had an idea of what I wanted past the end of this time, I had my five year plan. I’ve been told that my plans tend to scare people off – they can’t see where they fit into my life planned out. And maybe I needed this time here, to tell me, to make me realize that my plans are subject to change at any moment. I like my plans, I like my roadmap, but I’ve realized here that that’s all it is. It’s a roadmap that is subject to change at any moment.

And I’m okay with that. I can hope that my life will not become stagnant, but that, now, is in my hands.

I went home prepared to tell my parents, my family, my friends, that I would not be coming back to the states for a while. And I came back to Panama, my second home, prepared to have nothing certain and let it all fall apart and not worry about it. If anything came out of my time here, it’s seeing the beauty in watching everything fall apart.