Monty Got a Raw Deal, R.E.M.

For the past two years, I’ve been here, dreading the days that are now coming closely. For the past two years, I’ve been aware that in two years, these days would come and I couldn’t do anything about it. I could prolong them, yes, but that’s about it.

I leave my site as their Peace Corps Volunteer in 19 days. I end my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer completely in 24 days. I leave Panama in 35 days. I begin the next chapter in 35 days. And I’m stuck in a place of denial.

I tried not to go into this experience with any expectations. Expectations create disappointments and I did not want disappointments out of this. I constantly remember my second placement interview to enter the Peace Corps, and the woman who interviewed me hesitated. “You may be too idealistic for this,” she said. “You will be disappointed by what can happen.” At that moment, I dropped my expectations and entered a realm of my mind that was purely for the experience. The experience became one to build my resume, and anything else that came out of it would just be an added benefit.

And everything I experienced was the added benefit. This whole experience is everything that you make it. I made it into everything I wanted – I started a study, I taught kids how to surf, I played soccer and Frisbee with them, I fished with the men, I cooked with the women. I created a family around myself and in 19 days, I’ll be leaving.

I struggle to find the words that explain how I feel. I know this goodbye isn’t forever. It’s only a temporary “see you later”. I know I’ll be back here, and I’ll be back here soon. I’ll be around my community and my family again, but never again as their Peace Corps Volunteer.

Becoming a Volunteer is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Not for the reasons they say in the pamphlets, or for the stories and tales you hear about from parents and friends of Volunteers. It’s hard because it’s temporary. You create these relationships with people, you create these bonds and you know, from the start, it’s temporary. No matter how hard you want to, no matter how hard you try, you are their Volunteer for only a time. After you, comes another. And after her, comes another. I’m 3^rd in a line of nearly consecutive Volunteers. I can come back as often as I want, I could even move here for the rest of my life if I wanted, but it would be different. I would no longer be their Volunteer.

The stories my town tells about their Volunteer in a year’s time won’t be about me. They’ll be about whoever comes next. My projects, my inside jokes, my life here might be remembered for a long time, but soon, their Volunteer will be someone else. Soon, the stories they tell will be about someone else.

Just like for them, this is the end of a chapter, the end of my chapter as a Peace Corps Volunteer. These people will never leave my life, nor will I leave theirs, but our relationship will change in 19 days. And in 25 days, I will change from Volunteer to just another American in Panama. Just another American traveling through countries I don’t know, but will learn about.