Wolf Like Me, TV on the Radio

I can tell summer's coming again. Not by weather or anything, but by the restlessness that's starting to overwhelm everything. I can't focus in classes, I keep browsing travel sites and all I want to do is pack up and leave. Who knows where I'll go. If I'm not back up in Montana for the summer, hopefully I'll go to Costa Rica, maybe Ecuador. I don't know what I want yet.
I wonder what all of this adventuring means for my future. Will I ever be able to settle down, or will I forever search for the next adventure. Life must be an adventure, exciting, to be worth while. Can I ever be content with a mellow life, settled down in one place for a long period of time? I'm already restless after being in one place for a few months. How will I survive when I physically can't jump from place to place?

Life is weird sometimes, the way it decides to tell you things. I sometimes feel as though I'm living life backwards, not knowing if it's a reaction of where I've been, or events in my life, or because I'm just backward. It seems as though the only time things make sense is when I'm on the move, with only memories of friends and family in the back of my mind. It's as though I'm a monk, spending time with myself, thinking about life and events, understanding before doing, thinking before feeling, acting on nothing except logic.

But in one place, that's not the case. I am restless, thoughtless, flighty and illogical. I live off emotions, feeling everything sharper and more intense, yet not understanding any of it. The act of moving keeps my restlessness in check, leaving me to think clearer.

In Thailand, men are allowed to leave work for any period of time to meditate in the forest. If I worked in Thailand, I would live in the forest, meditate constantly, leaving only when someone else got too close. Is this a defense mechanism? Or is it just a part of my personality? Am I meant to be alone, or will someone, some day be able to break through my defenses? I can only know this by living forward. Or backward. Or however my life goes.

Why can't we see the future? If we could would we try to change it? Or would we accept it for what it is, living life the way it's meant to be. Would our actions cause or change the future?