Usually, the song I chose is a song that at least kind of fits into the subject matter. This is more true recently, rather than from the old days of Spain, but today, while the song may fit into the subject, it's far more related to the fact it's been stuck in my head and on repeat on my ipod for the past few days.
As of late, I've been realizing that I am a blunt, direct person. Most of my friends/family find it endearing (oh, thank God), but sometimes, if you don't know me, or if I'm telling you something you don't want to hear, it can seem like a shock. And as of late, it's hit me hard that I hurt people without intending to, especially the ones caught unawares in my flurry of introspection. I've always been an introspective person. I logic things out in my head, sit around, think and write in order to better understand myself as well as my goals. As opposed to just wanting something, I like learning why I want it.
For example (big example): The Peace Corps. As a sarcastic, veiled pessimist, it often shocks people to learn that I want to make one of the biggest sacrifices of my personal comforts for a third world. Every day I strive to make myself a better person, a task that unfortunately always fails to make me comfortable with the direction my generation goes. I strive for perfection, why do so few of my contemporaries strive for the same? This goes on: why would I, someone who gets disappointed in people around me (ahem) for not seeking this perfection, for being contented with the average, go to an area of the world where, well, everything is below average; literacy, education, economy, GDP. Well, I guess part of my disappointment stems from the fact we have the opportunity. We have the chance to go to school and are even required to go up until 18 (or at least pass the GED). Yet our opportunities are squandered. We either forget about why we choose education as a right so long ago and enter the work world to make money, or chose a life that leads no where, helps no one, under the guise that it is what we want. Our choices and opportunities are not only squandered by those who qualify for them, but they are also, often squandered by those in power. The money that should be going to education is instead going to an un-winnable war and tax cuts for people who can afford it. We are encouraged to go through life making as much money as we can, because that is freedom.
That is not my freedom. So, long story short, I'm joining the Peace Corps to give people the chance that has been squandered by my people. I am passing the opportunity and distinction on.
I'm not as good of a person as this might make me sound. I'm very open about the why of my Peace Corps decision, but I've realized that my why is an insult to some of those around me. I insinuate (not all falsely, but not all truly) that my generation has lost themselves, has wasted their goals. But I know many people who have settled into mediocrity and been happy - maybe this is the best thing in the world.
The issue becomes, however, that I have blinders on. I push myself so far and into my idea of success to the point where I lose certain people. I am unfair, selfish and blunt. But if I am open about these parts of myself from the beginning, does that still make me cruel? If I am to tell someone that I can't spend time with him anymore because it's clear our feelings are different, am I required to keep giving him answers? And moreover, when I continue on with my life and the trials I am working through on my own and with my family, do I have to keep him informed? I think not, and I have lived like this forever. Yet being confronted by someone because a link you posted must be about him (Girls like me might like this), is never fun. Especially when the article you posted isn't about him, it's about every guy and every girl.
Someone I thought wise once told me introspection means something must be wrong, an action, a thought, a dream, an idea. You wouldn't focus on yourself and think through your actions if you were doing everything right. For a while, I believed him, and I stopped thinking about myself, going over my actions to see what I would change. I stopped liking myself. More than that, I stopped loving who I am.
I am confident and self loving because I observe myself and check myself. I know who I am, but I know that I can change. It's taken me a long time to realize this; trust me, for a long time, to be introspective was to be weird and I hated it. But this is who I am, and I grow from all my interactions. I grow from everyone who comes into my life, and everyone who leaves it. I grow from every choice I make, and every time I look back and say, why did I do it that way? What would I do better?
I'm not saying this makes me better than anyone, it just makes me different. It means I'm never done growing, and I will constantly continue to move forward, pausing to look back.
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