Young Blood, the Naked & Famous

As I sit on my front porch, laying in my hammock, I drink a glass of wine in a coffee mug.  A few nights before, as I celebrated moving into my new home, I drank a beer in the same way.  I did the same thing in college, when living in the dorms.  I stopped myself from writing a snarky status on Facebook, claiming that Peace Corps is like college, that nothing really changes after graduation.  But then I realized that it’s true in more ways than one.

The first year of college, the first few months away from home, dorm room living.  I was exposed to things I had never seen before in my life.  To new people, new attitudes, new ideas.  It proved a double edged sword for many in my freshman dorm.  We felt a part of a suspended reality.  Everything we do here – does it really matter?  We could get away with anything if we played our cards right.

There are times I feel the same way in my community.  I am in a suspended reality.  Everything I do here – does it matter?  Will the work that I do over the next two years, will it matter?  Will the changes hold?  What can I get away with doing?

Volunteers earn a reputation at times, among ourselves, of partying, going crazy every time we get together.  In site, we can do nothing normal.  We are an enigma within the community and must watch ourselves very carefully to be able to change stereotypes and give North American’s a better reputation in foreign countries.  But out of site, we can be tourists, expatriates, anything other than ourselves.  We are encouraged to date each other, in efforts to limit backlash from dating a Panamanian.  And people expect it.  It is the consequence of being on our best behavior without an outlet.  We live a life out of our communities without consequence, without repercussion.  Until suddenly, there is.

But even within my community, I feel a sense of separation.  I am at once an observer and a catalyst.  My sense of reality is suspended, and there are days where I wonder if I am actually doing anything at all.  I am a friend to many, and feel as though I am a part of the community, but I wonder sometimes how they see me.  Am I a community member, or a foreigner living with them for two years?  Is anything I do or say sustainable?  Will it last for longer than I am here?

As I grow and change into this experience, the truth of it will change.  Perhaps my sense of reality will change as well.  These people are real, true and human.  I am exposed to things I’ve never experienced, both good and bad.  New ideas, new people, new challenges.  My days are hotter, my work harder and easier than anything else I’ve ever done, at once.  I make my own schedule, I go to class when I chose.  Nothing really changes after graduation.  It’s the same class schedule in a different world.