Damned if She Do, The Kills

I've been in dire need of clothes to wear to an office pretty much since I started work. I have a few dresses, skirts and slacks (two out of three are too short...), but my shirts pretty much are t-shirts. I have a few button down, nice shirts, but the majority look good with a suit, but look awkward otherwise. In other words, I feel like a waitress.

So on Monday, I decided to go shopping. I hate shopping. I am in no way that typical girl who goes to stores with her girl friends, tries on clothes, talks about how great she looks and flaunts in the dressing room. I hate trying on clothes. There is no time I feel more insecure about my body than when I'm trying on clothes. Well, maybe when I'm trying on clothes for my mother, but that's a different story. I'm petite. So hypothetically, I should be able to buy clothes that fit me easily, right? I mean, there's a whole section of the store dedicated to petite women. But wait! I have a short torso. So petite shirts fit me, but pants? Oh hell no. But wait, do petite shirts actually fit me? I have broad shoulders and a, ahem, well endowed chest. Don't giggle. Stop giggling. Come on, if you know me - in the real life - I know you've looked. Don't kid yourself. I have boobs. Well, I have normal sized, biggish boobs. But the look at the rest of me, it just doesn't balance.

Ok, so let's review. Medium height. Short torso. Longish legs. Broad shoulders (well, less broad now, since 3 millimeters were shaved off my right side!). Boobs. So now are you seeing my predicament? I have an abnormal body. (A.B. Normal.) I'm aware of this. I mean, you should hear my doctors call in their interns to use me as an example (this is for my knees/shoulder now, don't get any ideas).

But does this mean that I should have to pay far outside of my pay grade for a shirt that fits? Obviously, yes. I mean, why am I even asking?

So Monday I go shopping. I'm walking around stores that are within my pay grade, and I'm struggling. Struggling. I'm hating myself. Hating the heat, hating the walking, hating the fact that I'm walking around in the heat and feeling bad about myself. Because no damn clothes fit me. And again, those of you who know me, I am a very self confident person. I have no problem telling you how awesome I am. But there comes a point in time where I try on one size and it pulls across my chest. Looking terrible. Then I try on the bigger size, and it flat out doesn't fit. Like hangs in bad places, makes me look pregnant and just looks terrible. So I don't buy either of them.

Finally I give up. I walk into the expensive type store. I grab a button down shirt, in my size and I try it on. Minimal pulling in the chest region. I mean, there's pulling, but barely any. So, to minimize the pulling, I grab one size up. This one flat out doesn't fit. So here's my choice - minimal pulling, but otherwise an excellent shirt for work; a shirt like a paper bag OR no shirt at all. I got the shirt.

I go home, excited that my day spent searching for clothes was not wasted. I try on the shirt and the skirt I got with it (luckily most skirts I can handle at less expensive type stores) for my Mom. "It's too small. You need the bigger size."

Well, shoot. I'm disappointed, upset, frustrated. I try it on for my Dad. "You look fine."

What?

Do you now understand why I hate shopping? Women, especially young women, are conditioned to either look like street walkers or prudes. I am neither one. So why would I dress like either one? I need there to be a store that caters to young, professional women who don't want to be a hooker, but also want to point out that, hey, young women can be professional, too! If anyone has any suggestions for me, please let me know! I need office clothes!

Which brings me to my next point. Leggings as pants. There are few occasions where I will advocate leggings as pants. I used to go to leggings as pants type locales. They're comfortable, I get it. I wear spandex to work out (for those of you out of the know, spandex is a form of leggings), and I wear it in the mountains periodically. It's comfortable. It can be warm. Spandex is amazing. But even I, a spandex/leggings advocate, would never, ever, not in a thousand and one years, wear a pair of leggings to work. Leggings are not pants, my friends. Especially not if you are a 16 year old girl who wants to be an entrepreneur. If you want to do that, please, please, please, dress for it.

We wonder why our generation is laughed at, especially as it comes time for us to enter into the work force. Look around, my friends. Look in the mirror. What are you wearing? Where are you going? Are you wearing leggings to work, when you work in an office building?

I bitch about my Mom telling me my clothes are too tight when my boobs are too big (thanks for that one, Mom, your fault). She doesn't understand how hard it is to find clothes, I'll lament. But it has taught me one thing. One very, very important thing: look acceptable. If you're going to a job interview, don't look like a hoochie mama (did I spell that right? There's a red squiggle under it, and I can't think of a better way to spell it. Anyway, the only thing that it corrects to that might be relevant is "hooch". How does it know Hooch but not Hoochie?). If you're 22 years old, you don't need to dress like you're 40. And more to the point, if you're 14, please don't dress like you're 25! I know quite a few people who have been nearly tricked into a felony by an over-aggressive, under dressed little girl.

I blame Hollywood.